It was revealed late in the morning that Ben Roethlisberger, an ankle splint assigned to a prison house hidden in an empty bottle of Iron City, needed an operation at his elbow mysteriously injured and that the rest of the NFL season would be lost. The Pittsburgh Steelers do not want anything this year, and that’s what happens when you call losing your two best players “sum by subtraction” instead of “shit, I think we’re screwed now”, and Part of me thinks Big Head Ben is aware of this and would rather spend the rest of the year eating corn nuts and buying OnlyFans memberships in football.
Anyway, since he bought Josh Dobbs last week, the last quarter of the Steelers is called a “Mason Rudolph”, who looks more like an oil baron or the founder of the drop than a professional athlete. He apparently has potential. Nevertheless, you need the support of a veteran. And maybe someone will come to take your concert if you are not ready. Fortunately, there is someone who qualifies.
So, I’m going to change some speed here, because the previous paragraph was a bit of a liar. Now, were the things I said in him true? Yes! Mason Rudolph is now the owner and after trading Josh Dobbs, the Steelers have no mention on their list. The lie is the implication that I do not care about the reasons related to Steelers football to sign Colin Kaepernick. Me no! I do not care if it improves or worsens the Steelers! I could play hopscotch with Nessa every Sunday! He could break the blockade for the succession of Tweetcap! Me no. Be careful I just want to be signed because I want to live in a world where there is a Pittsburgh Steeler. I want to hear all the radio calls from Brookline to Butler that threaten to boycott the team. I want to read what Keith Burris, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette editor, and a human-sized tick bite have to say. I want to see some locals in Pittsburgh turn Primanti’s origami by trying to justify how they can support Roofie Roethlisberger and not Colin Kaepernick. I want to feel the heat as all the stickers and flags attached to the bumpers on Blue Lives Matter Road 28 and I-376 burn spontaneously. I live a quarter of a mile from Heinz camp and I want to stand on my roof and attend the Yinzer Apocalypse.
I do not ask much. A little good food cooked. Some nice clean drawers. That’s all I need. I am a simple man But please, the universe, just give me this. Pittsburgh needs it. And by “Pittsburgh”, I mean “me”. Just me.”